


From the Extra-Super Confidential (even from the FBI) Notes of Joseph Stern

by malaxis



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, M/M, spoilers for the entire campaign
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-25 03:38:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21349630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malaxis/pseuds/malaxis
Summary: This is just a silly bullet-notes style thing I've been writing over the course of like a month instead of taking care of literally any responsibilities.It's unedited and unbeta-ed, so if it needs some HTML editing y'all let me know in the comments otherwise I'll probably leave it as is.Enjoy!
Relationships: Barclay/Agent Stern (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 78





	From the Extra-Super Confidential (even from the FBI) Notes of Joseph Stern

-Edmund "Ned 'MiddleName' Chicane" Chicane is a very good liar. But Joseph [REDACTED] Stern is very VERY good at his job. 

-The long-term residents of Amnesty lodge are all hiding something. Every single one of them.

-Asked Danielle "Dani" Jonsdottir once what she pays for her room. She said "Gardening." She was not joking. Have not asked anyone else.

-Amnesty: "a general pardon for offenses, especially political offenses, against a government, often granted before any trial or conviction."

-Oh my God, Mama is harboring war criminals.

-Political criminals? What war? What political offenses? Half the residents are kids???

-Somehow believable. Barclay "Barclay" Cobb (no relation to Ms. Madeline Cobb) looks like he could kill a man. He probably HAS killed a man. He's covered in battle scars--some from recognizable weapons, others...less so.

-Barclay also looks like he has never in his life wanted to commit a murder. He's gentle, slow to anger, caring, basically the dad of this madhouse (but separately from Mama). He picks up a carving knife with the same care and love that he picks up a freshly baked croissant.

-Barclay has never wanted to fight anyone, ever, in his entire life.

-When I told Barclay of my findings he immediately got all cagey and weird. Had to tell him that I'm not interested in whatever crimes the residents committed; that's a different department. Only interested in finding Bigfoot. This did not calm him very much.

-Barclay always brushes off my belief in the supernatural. I'm used to that, but something about the way he does it...it's almost like he's doing it out of obligation and not because he actually is a nonbeliever.

-When I manage to pull him into a "hypothetical" conversation, his VOICE says "I don't actually believe any of this" but his EYES say "Cryptids are real and very dear to my heart." Will have to further investigate. 

-Newton and Chicane are the only two non-residents who are in the thick of Amnesty goings-on.

-Every two months or so, someone gets hurt or something gets damaged.

-The Amnesty Lodge Secret Society (hereon referred to as ALSS--formerly ASS. You can see why I changed...that......) is suddenly scarce from all Lodge and town goings-on, except for a general radius of crime scenes and suspicious happenings.

-This is no accident. I have reason to believe they are... _vigilantes_. 

-Here is the pattern of events:

1\. something bad happens

2\. ALSS meets 1-3 times at the Lodge over the next week

3\. If I ask any questions they give me terrible half-baked lies. (How can Duck be a vigilante and not be able to do the one thing vigilantes are supposed to be good at?)

4\. Some kind of big event happens. Someone gets hurt or a huge destructive mess takes place. 

5\. All is quiet once the week is out. No more bad news for another couple of months.

-I don't think ALSS is the cause of the destruction. Points in their defense:

1\. They always come together AFTER a terrible event, never before--suggesting that they are not planning destruction, rather reacting to it.

2\. And their reactions: Frantic, angry, afraid, upset, resigned, determined.

3\. By the end of the week, they usually all trudge back into the Lodge together, looking tired, beat up, but relieved.

4\. Once this happens, no more is heard of whatever danger was running rampant.

-They are protecting us. From what?

-ALSS seems to include Duck, Ned, Aubrey, Barclay, Mama, and sometimes Jake Coolice.

-Why Jake Coolice?

-Ned Chicane did not exist before he came to Kepler.

-Ned is a very good liar, and is keeping many secrets

-Ned made sure he was seen in his Bigfoot video as a very fake Sasquatch, before an actual real Sasquatch appeared.

Note: he was not alone.

-Ned, seemingly a normal human, never seems any worse for wear than any other member of ALSS.

-Ned is wholly disbelieving in the product he peddles. He has a Bigfoot mural.

-It's the perfect cover.

Conclusion: Ned Chicane is the Sasquatch.

-If this confirms that cryptids are real, I must assume that magic is real as well. 

-This is the only way my conclusion would make sense.

-For a cryptid to appear human, magic would have to be involved: there is a charm or spell concealing Ned Chicane's true form.

Secondary conclusion: A majority of the residents at the Lodge would also have to be disguised cryptids. 

-This is why they lie about suspicious happenings in the town, why they are wholly disbelieving in cryptids.

-They are protecting themselves.

-Perhaps they are seeking amnesty from a war raging in another realm. 

-I truly wish to cause them no harm or inconvenience.

-How do I come clean about my knowledge without scaring everyone off?

-Is Barclay a cryptid?

-He would have to be, considering my conclusions. 

-Tall, broad, strong, hairy, has been unwillingly violent, can seem a bit feral at times, have definitely heard him growl but it doesn't sound entirely human.

-He's definitely, like, a wolf creature or something, right?

POP QUIZ TIME for 16-year-old Joseph Stern! 

1\. Would you date a werewolf?

a) Yes 

b) Yes but in red

2\. FUCK!

Feeling helpless. My presence as an FBI agent puts everyone on edge, no matter how much some of Kepler's residents have warmed up to me. Can't tell anyone about my conclusions. Can't join the good fight. Can't kiss Barclay without acknowledging that I basically have the power to destroy him (note: I wouldn't dream of it.) Can only feign ignorance and do everything in my power to keep the rest of the FBI from coming to Kepler.

Update: FBI is now in Kepler.

FUCK!!! SHIT!!!!!

Rest in peace to Edmund Chicane, you weird, feral little man. I will take your secret to my grave, and I know you weren't the one broadcasting on TV. At least someone knows you were, in the end, a good man.

Update: Ok holy shit it's been months! I haven't been able to even pull this up because I was SURROUNDED by my superiors!!!

My name is Joseph Stern and I am no longer an agent of the FBI. That sucks! But I found Bigfoot and he has harmed no humans so I consider my purpose fulfilled!

So! Summary time!

-Sylvain is another planet that was bound to Earth for centuries, and is most frequently the source of cryptid myths.

-Because of a third planet, we have been at war with each other, and many Sylvans? Sylphs?

-Barclay says Sylvans

-many of them sought safety from their draconian government on Earth. 

-I was right! They use charmed objects to disguise their appearances!

-I met Indrid Cold the other day! It was the wildest thing I will ever experience and he is off-putting but also super cool!

-Ned was a normal human man who just so happened to get caught up in PINE GUARD business and his moral core refused to let him leave.

-The Pine Guard (Previously known as ALSS) has officially disbanded, on account of there are no more aliens to fight.

-They stopped a war, by the way.

-NO BIG DEAL, JUST AN INTERPLANETARY WAR THAT COULD CAUSE THE DESTRUCTION OF TWO WORLDS.

-I am in the process of looking for a new purpose, since I fulfilled the old one.

-Speaking of:

-Barclay is Bigfoot!!!

-Most disappearances surrounding him were actually just disguises that he had to dispose of. 

-It was Barclay in Ned's video. It was coincidence that they were both there.

-Not sure I can believe in coincidence anymore, considering magic is real.

-Barclay has changed since the almost-end-of-the-world. Not in a bad way! We had a long talk and now he's just himself, but...more. Like he was holding back parts of himself because he was trying to protect the Lodge's secrets.

-There are no secrets between us anymore, aside from the ones I am legally obligated to keep due to national security. And fear of rejection.

-Despite all the death and destruction, things are surprisingly good! We are still in the process of rebuilding, and everyone has made their first visits of many from all over two separate globes.

-I may never leave Kepler. It feels more like a home than anywhere I've ever been before, and that's including my home town.

-Barclay is here, anyway.

-He makes me coffee even on his days off.

-He is very sweet and considerate, and has offered to convince Mama to let me stay at the Lodge for the price of helping out around the place.

-It's unnecessary--I've got a few leads on jobs in the greater area.

-Nice of him, though. He really cares about everyone he comes into contact with, but something tells me he gives me a little more attention. Will have to further investigate.

Update:

-Barclay is a very good kisser.

Joseph out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! You can find me on tumblr at malaxis or sylffs!


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